Last updated on September 14th, 2022

So much important work that needs to happen in organizations does not happen because people don’t resolve conflicts with other people with whom they work. It is astonishing to me how frequently this occurs.

While it is true that sometimes “the problem” may be someone’s challenging personality, much, if not most of the time, conflicts don’t get resolved because people avoid difficult conversations.

One reason people avoid is that they hope the situation will resolve itself on its own. But unfortunately, we all know that this does not usually happen. Frequently the situation becomes even worse.

Another reason for avoidance is that people lack the skills for resolving conflicts or having those hard conversations.

Why People Avoid Difficult Conversations

Understandably, we may want to run away from conversations that make us angry, or in which we have felt hurt or misunderstood. We may wish to avoid situations where we may not trust the other individuals involved and when it can take so much energy to address the problems directly. However, improving our ability to have these difficult conversations, resolve conflicts, and get stuff done in our personal and professional lives is vastly worth it.

I used to be someone who avoided difficult conversations like the plague. My husband will tell you otherwise, but in general, this was true. My husband didn’t see my willingness to have these difficult conversations as the genuinely great compliment that it is. I have sufficient trust in our relationship to believe we can have challenging conversations, make headway on whatever is at issue, and remain happily married.

So it is positive that I can have difficult conversations with my spouse. However, with others with whom I did not have that level of trust, I worried that I would “hurt their feelings,” that they would be “mad at me,” or that relationship would end. I am not proud of this conflict-avoidance. As a younger person, I wished desperately to be more courageous interpersonally, but in truth, I struggled. Although I still find it challenging, I have made significant progress in managing conflict and learning to talk through tough issues. If you find conflict resolution difficult, you can learn to do it too.

Why It Is Important To Manage Interpersonal Conflict

Being motivated to manage interpersonal conflict is critical. And here’s why: conflict is an inevitable part of life and relationships. Learning to deal with conflict effectively can improve relationships (really!). How can you truly be close to someone or even collaborate and work together on projects successfully when you are holding on to resentments that are never expressed or have issues that go unresolved? Healthy conflict that is not mean-spirited, where individuals discuss ideas and opinions openly and honestly, is part of better decision making and increased cohesion in organizations and in personal relationships too.

Sure, if we are honest with ourselves, for a short time, it can feel good to “BMW” (blame, moan, and whine), a term that came out of nursing circles, according to the lore I have read. But, ultimately, it doesn’t feel good because complaining is negative energy that brings us down. And it does nothing to solve the problem or to improve our relationships with others.

Steps You Can Take To Have That Difficult Conversation

So what are some things we can do when we have an interpersonal conflict, especially with someone we work with and with whom we need to work together to get stuff done?

• Monitor your mindset. Approach the other person with openness, curiosity, and a willingness to listen fully.
• When possible, agree on ground rules for the conversation–for instance, “I would like it if I can express my thoughts and feelings on the issue before you respond; I promise to listen fully to you as well.”
• Focus on the “SBI” (situation, behavior, and impact). Identify the situation, the behavior at issue, and how it impacts you. For example, “When I meet you in the hallway, and you don’t greet me or say hello, I feel disrespected.”
• Focus on finding a mutually-agreeable solution rather than blame or underlying reasons for the difficulty. For example, “I would appreciate it if you would nod and say hello when we run into one another in the hallway.”
• Do your best to stay calm, cool, and collected, even if the other person becomes defensive. If the other person raises their voice or uses demeaning language, let them know that you plan to leave the conversation and would be willing to try again at a different time when they can state their point of view without being disrespectful.
• Understand that there is no “one and done” or “mother-of-all-conversations” where we will “NEVER have to talk about this again.” As much as we might wish it, this is simply not how human nature works–as humans, we frequently change in “fits and starts.” Even with the best intentions, we all tend to slip into old habits. So establish agreements about how you and the other person want to handle things when (not if!) there is a “repeat offense.”
• Own your part in the difficulty. The old saying, “it takes two to tango,” applies here; in any challenging interpersonal situation, there is always a part that we play, even if it is only in not addressing the conflict soon enough or effectively.

This list is not exhaustive by any stretch. But it is a start toward addressing the inevitable messiness of interpersonal relationships at work and in our personal lives. So dedicate yourself to getting better at dealing with interpersonal conflict. You will be glad you did, as I am. I guarantee you your relationships will be better off as a result. You will have more success in relationships at work and at home and greater professional and personal well-being.

If you feel you could benefit from individual coaching to help you with interpersonal conflict, or if you have a team that could use these skills, Insight Business Works has coaches that can assist.  Contact us today!